(This is copyrighted material, however, if you would like to use it in any way- just ask and you shall receive. Note this blog format for scripts is funky but nonetheless readable. Enjoy.)
by Scott Beddome
This piece has been performed by dozens of groups from around the globe (mostly the UK for some reason). Here is a recently recorded version of it performed by broadcasting students at the Mount Royal University in Calgary, CA for a live radio final assignment. Thanks Nate!
THE ART OF FUNERAL PLANNING.
INT. CITY HOUSE - DAY
The Funeral Planner sits with a typical suburban husband and
wife at the dining room table of their home. A 10" x 12" photo of the fat, lazy, greasy dead dad sits on the table next to them.The husband is angry, the wife sad and the overly theatrical Funeral Planner is "sellin' it!"
A Funeral Planner is very much
like a wedding planner! Funerals
don't have to be depressingly sad
Yeah. Just because somebody
died... What's to be sad about..
It should be a celebration of
HA! He molested her as a child.
Went to prison for it!
He apologized. I accepted. All was
A tribute to the life he lived and
the impact he had on the people he
came in contact with!
Fifteen years of psychotherapy!
We BOTH learned to hug!
He learned to hug. THAT'S the kind
of thing I want to know about him.
Look. Get to the point. What are
we looking at here?
Well it all depends on how much
you loved him. Ahhhh...
You mean how much money we are
willing to spend...
We like to say "They don't die for
Well the bargain basement has us
just adding little theatrical
touches to the service at the
That sounds nice.
Well. A lot of people like our
resurrection features. For $800.
we can have the hand wave goodbye
at the end of the service.
You mean you...
Oh yes it's very simple. We rig up
some minor hydraulics to the body hidden
in the underside of the
casket of course- and the end of
the service, just before the
coffin is closed it waves.
THE PLANNER DOES A DISNEY PUPPET-LIKE ROBOTIC WAVE.
One time it got stuck and kept
going like this...
PLANNER MAKES JERKY "QUEEN’S WAVE" MOTION.
Another time the arm came loose and was thrown
across the room landing on the buffet. People
didn’t eat too much after that...
What else you got?
Well it can go all the way up to a
full resurrection! For about
$13,000. the entire body will
raise from the casket amidst fog
and rumbling thunder- a beam of
light projects from the ceiling
and he is lifted up through a
hidden hole in the roof as 500
white balloons drop to the floor-
It's breathtaking! Everybody
I like that!
Anything ever go wrong with that one?
Well we once experimented with pyrotechnics
where the flame came right up from underneath...
Wait! No! It’s OK. We’ll use our imagination..
Most of his relatives said they actually thought it was appropriate because he was probably going to hell anyway..
HUSBAND GIVES A DIRTY LOOK. THEN...
Why can't we just have it here?
Exactly. That's what everybody's
doing. There's so much more
How would that work?
Here we can create a no holds
barred presentation of who he was,
how he lived his life and how he
will leave this world.
He's MY father dammit! And he's
only gonna die once!
TO THE PLANNER.
What do you suggest?
Well, tell me about him. What work
did he do?
HUSBAND LAUGHS OUT LOUD.
Oh. I don't think that would work
You'd be surprised- tell me.
He was a sanitation engineer.
A garbage man!
Twenty seven years. Never missed a day.
Never took a shower! Hated the
THERE'S A LONG PAUSE AS THE PLANNER CONTEMPLATES...
A garbage man who hugs... OH. OH!
YES! There is soo much I can do
This outta be good.
OK. The setting. Not in the house.
In the garage- the ALLEY! Ratty
old couches with garbage strewn
everywhere. Two old pick-up trucks
with the tail gates folded down.
One holds his body in a...HEFTY
bag! Twist tied! And the other
tailgate holds a buffet of Hormel
Chili and Hash still in the cans.
NO UTENSILS! And a gallon jug of
whiskey. NO CUPS! How'em I doing
I'm with ya.
WIFE JUST BEGINS TO WEEP AT THE BEAUTY OF IT.
A few short words by...well just
NODS TO THE WIFE AS SHE BLOWS HER NOSE.
(building to a
Then, for the finale, timing is
very important. As the service
ends, his work buddies will, all
together, lift YOUR FATHER WHO
HUGGED in his BIG GLOSSY BLACK BAG
high in the air and drop him into
the dumpster just as the
sanitation truck comes to grab it
and with a FINAL VIOLENT THRUST,
tosses him INTO the vehicle he has
spent his LIFE riding on the back
of and carries him away to his
final resting place- THE CITY
Oh its sounds so wonderful...
I'm a genius. Saves money! NO BURIAL FEES!
One hour. Materials. 600 bucks.
(begins to cry)
That's just beautiful! I'm sorry I
You're a gifted artist!
SCENE BEGINS TO FADE.
Now if you'll sign here...
How much more for a balloon drop?