(This is copyrighted material, however, if you would like to use it in any way- just ask and you shall receive. Note this blog format for scripts is funky but nonetheless readable. Enjoy.)
by Scott Beddome
scottbeddome@yahoo.com
UPDATE 4/22/10:
This piece has been performed by dozens of groups from around the globe (mostly the UK for some reason). Here is a recently recorded version of it performed by broadcasting students at the Mount Royal University in Calgary, CA for a live radio final assignment. Thanks Nate!
Radio_Drama_-_The_Art_of_Funeral_Planning.mp3THE ART OF FUNERAL PLANNING.
FADE IN:
INT. CITY HOUSE - DAY
The Funeral Planner sits with a typical suburban husband and
wife at the dining room table of their home. A 10" x 12" photo of the fat, lazy, greasy dead dad sits on the table next to them.The husband is angry, the wife sad and the overly theatrical Funeral Planner is "sellin' it!"
PLANNER
A Funeral Planner is very much
like a wedding planner! Funerals
don't have to be depressingly sad
events...
HUSBAND
(sarcastically)
Yeah. Just because somebody
died... What's to be sad about..
WIFE
Honey...
PLANNER
It should be a celebration of
their life!
HUSBAND
HA! He molested her as a child.
Went to prison for it!
WIFE
He apologized. I accepted. All was
forgiven.
PLANNER
A tribute to the life he lived and
the impact he had on the people he
came in contact with!
HUSBAND
Fifteen years of psychotherapy!
WIFE
We BOTH learned to hug!
PLANNER
(gently)
He learned to hug. THAT'S the kind
of thing I want to know about him.
HUSBAND
Look. Get to the point. What are
we looking at here?
PLANNER
Well it all depends on how much
you loved him. Ahhhh...
HUSBAND
You mean how much money we are
willing to spend...
PLANNER
We like to say "They don't die for
nothin""
HUSBAND
How much?
PLANNER
Well the bargain basement has us
just adding little theatrical
touches to the service at the
funeral home.
WIFE
That sounds nice.
HUSBAND
Like?
PLANNER
Well. A lot of people like our
resurrection features. For $800.
we can have the hand wave goodbye
at the end of the service.
HUSBAND
You mean you...
PLANNER
Oh yes it's very simple. We rig up
some minor hydraulics to the body hidden
in the underside of the
casket of course- and the end of
the service, just before the
coffin is closed it waves.
THE PLANNER DOES A DISNEY PUPPET-LIKE ROBOTIC WAVE.
PLANNER
One time it got stuck and kept
going like this...
PLANNER MAKES JERKY "QUEEN’S WAVE" MOTION.
PLANNER
Another time the arm came loose and was thrown
across the room landing on the buffet. People
didn’t eat too much after that...
HUSBAND
What else you got?
PLANNER
Well it can go all the way up to a
full resurrection! For about
$13,000. the entire body will
raise from the casket amidst fog
and rumbling thunder- a beam of
light projects from the ceiling
and he is lifted up through a
hidden hole in the roof as 500
white balloons drop to the floor-
It's breathtaking! Everybody
cries!
WIFE
I like that!
HUSBAND
Anything ever go wrong with that one?
PLANNER
Well we once experimented with pyrotechnics
where the flame came right up from underneath...
HUSBAND
Wait! No! It’s OK. We’ll use our imagination..
PLANNER
Most of his relatives said they actually thought it was appropriate because he was probably going to hell anyway..
HUSBAND GIVES A DIRTY LOOK. THEN...
HUSBAND
Why can't we just have it here?
PLANNER
Exactly. That's what everybody's
doing. There's so much more
flexibility!
WIFE
How would that work?
PLANNER
Here we can create a no holds
barred presentation of who he was,
how he lived his life and how he
will leave this world.
HUSBAND
Sounds expensive.
WIFE
He's MY father dammit! And he's
only gonna die once!
TO THE PLANNER.
WIFE
What do you suggest?
PLANNER
Well, tell me about him. What work
did he do?
HUSBAND LAUGHS OUT LOUD.
WIFE
Oh. I don't think that would work
out...
PLANNER
You'd be surprised- tell me.
WIFE
(exhales)
He was a sanitation engineer.
HUSBAND
A garbage man!
WIFE
Twenty seven years. Never missed a day.
HUSBAND
Never took a shower! Hated the
rain!
THERE'S A LONG PAUSE AS THE PLANNER CONTEMPLATES...
PLANNER
A garbage man who hugs... OH. OH!
YES! There is soo much I can do
with that!
HUSBAND
(smiles)
This outta be good.
PLANNER
OK. The setting. Not in the house.
In the garage- the ALLEY! Ratty
old couches with garbage strewn
everywhere. Two old pick-up trucks
with the tail gates folded down.
One holds his body in a...HEFTY
bag! Twist tied! And the other
tailgate holds a buffet of Hormel
Chili and Hash still in the cans.
NO UTENSILS! And a gallon jug of
whiskey. NO CUPS! How'em I doing
so far?
HUSBAND
I'm with ya.
WIFE JUST BEGINS TO WEEP AT THE BEAUTY OF IT.
PLANNER
A few short words by...well just
you.
NODS TO THE WIFE AS SHE BLOWS HER NOSE.
PLANNER
(building to a
cresendo)
Then, for the finale, timing is
very important. As the service
ends, his work buddies will, all
together, lift YOUR FATHER WHO
HUGGED in his BIG GLOSSY BLACK BAG
high in the air and drop him into
the dumpster just as the
sanitation truck comes to grab it
and with a FINAL VIOLENT THRUST,
tosses him INTO the vehicle he has
spent his LIFE riding on the back
of and carries him away to his
final resting place- THE CITY
LANDFILL!!!
WIFE
Oh its sounds so wonderful...
PLANNER
I'm a genius. Saves money! NO BURIAL FEES!
HUSBAND
How much?
PLANNER
One hour. Materials. 600 bucks.
HUSBAND
(begins to cry)
That's just beautiful! I'm sorry I
doubted you...
WIFE
You're a gifted artist!
SCENE BEGINS TO FADE.
PLANNER
Now if you'll sign here...
HUSBAND
How much more for a balloon drop?
FADE OUT.
